Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Rant: I hate a movie that doesn't exist, then flip-flop

If you know me closely, you have heard me speak these exact words many times:

"I am not prone to hyperbole in my regular speech. I endeavor to use very accurate descriptions and qualifying terms when I speak. Even words as basic as "like" and "hate" are given their fair measure. When I share my opinions, I try to be judicious as possible in my choice of words, and though it can turn a simple response into a long-winded run-down detailing my opinions, I think it's important to be as accurate as possible. Why do I take such a lengthy and no doubt annoying tack when I speak? So that when I DO use powerful language to describe something I'm passionate about, you know I mean business."

So, A song that "fucks my ears" isn't just a bad song, it's a song that well and truly violats my aural sensation in a profound way.
"A whirlwind of puke and pain" is not me belly-aching about a cold, it truly is an epic event involving bodily functions and severe pain. I can deal with mild headaches.
"The Princess Bride is the best film of all time" doesn't just mean I enjoy the film a lot, it means I believe - and am prepared to argue in defense of - the fact that The Princess Bride is a film above all others past and present.

And when I say that the new Mortal Kombat movie looks like a godawful train-wreck of ass and fuck, you can take that straight to the bank!

Which is why I'm so upset that, when I feel this passionate about something, that everyone I talk to disagrees with me. Why the hell is everyone so into this? Maybe if I give my first impressions people will see what I've got my panties in a knot.

I will admit, the whole thing seems kind of bad-ass at the outset. Dramatic camera angles, quiet-yet-strong protagonists, a gratuitous action sequence. And they threw in a bunch of names of characters from the game, that's enough to sell it, right? NO! For fuck's sake, have some standards. I know the Mortal Kombat game series isn't the best, story-wise, but even the original movie was more in tune, and believable, than this.

Yes, I said believable. The particular Youtube link I put up out of the dozens who have it was not by accident. This guy holds that the new movie is a "realistic take on the MK games." No. No sir. You don't just give Reptile Harlequin Ichthyosis and make Baraka a clinical whackjob and call it reality. A portal to hell and a soul-sucking wizard I can believe, or at least I can suspend my disbelief to coincide with the original video game. But even if you really think any law organization is going to tell a guy to go murder a bunch of freaks in a tournament, why are they bothering? It sounds like said freaks are going to do a fine job killing themselves, what's one more dude going to do, Even a dude with a kind of cool fatality. Besides, this is "reality," no fire-breathing skeletons allowed. And since when does Scorpion get to be the protagonist? Everyone knows it's either Liu Kang, Sub-Zero (if you're counting that god-awful adventure game they made), or someone you got through a cheat code.

Speaking of Fatalities, I'm not so sure I appreciate the lip-service the movie's tossing in from the games. Reptile goes from some other-worldly assassin to a dude with a disease he has no business living through. the tie-in? He eats heads. His fatality has become his character. All he needs is a guy yelling "Toasty!" when he uppercuts someone. Baraka's no longer a creature from another dimension, he's a psychopath doctor who loves piercings. But it's okay, because those sweet arm-blades and razor-point teeth? He's got em! Gave them to himself surgically! And true to the game, he never fucking uses them until he's ready to murder someone!

And Johnny Cage? Well, okay, he gets decapitated in the 5 minutes we see him, which is how I always remembered it. He doesn't have a ball-punch moment, so somebody must've dropped the... pretense there. But again, what self-respecting law organization hires an out of work martial arts actor to infiltrate the dangerous world of mutant super-killers?

Michael Jai White, the strong-jawed black actor playing Jackson Briggs because Samuel L. Jackson was presumably busy that day, that's who. A brief overview of his CV reminds me that he played Gambol, the "tell me why I shouldn't have my boy rip your head off" thug from The Dark Knight. He also voiced Bushido Brown in my favorite episode of The Boondocks, and has voiced the Green Lantern, so I like the guy well enough.

Oh. Right. Spawn. He was Spawn in the movie Spawn. Jesus this guy like comics.

The trailer opens with him coming in slow motion out of his office with the determined look of a guy who wishes he was in a better film. And if you didn't realize he's Jax from the game (because he's the only black dude in the entire universe), they have helpfully scratched off the "O-N" on his door so it spells "Jacks," which is close enough.

He's also going to double as the disembodied announcer from the games, if his dialogue is any clue. He sneaks in the words "fatality," Finish Him," and the character names with the same inflection and deep rumbling bass that made the games popular. I'll bet dollars to donuts that if this script gets any more work Briggs is going to demand a "flawless victory" from newly re-designed assassin Scorpion.

Okay, after writing it all down and looking it over, I realize I may be over-reacting. Especially after a quick bit of research shows me what I had been sort of suspecting from the outset; the film doesn't exist, and may not in fact ever be made. The trailer was a two-day "run and gun project" by Kevin Tancharoen, director of the 2009 remake of Fame, the movie where teenagers dance a lot but don't kill anyone (I think, I haven't seen it). Tancharoen's purpose in making this trailer was basically to show everyone he could. By that he means he can make a gritty action film that isn't dance-heavy and pop-y, but also that he has decent special effects chops.

Crap. Okay, the trailer does have hokey moments and a bunch of overused action tropes, from the helicopter and fake news anchor intro to the sudden reveals of who's who. But 2 days of filming and a month of editing, using donated time from actors and your own budget to produce what amounts to a really well-polished video demonstration/resume? I'm afraid I can't talk shit anymore. I want to keep my hate. As a movie trailer, it sets up a pretty generic action flick with a thin "MK skin". But as a 7 minute fan-fiction it's pretty sweet. As a demonstration of directorial prowess it's pretty good. Fine, no hyperbole; this isn't a godawful train-wreck of ass and fuck. But it's not bad-ass.

If you know me personally, and we get into a discussion on this, expect a long-winded run-down of my opinions. Try not to bring it up. ;)